


Stopping Running

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-10
Updated: 2009-06-03
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:36:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: four years after he broke her heart, she returns. both appear to have moved on. but can the past ever be forgotten? REDONE CHAPTER 4...





	1. Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

CHAPTER 1  
She had run, run half way round the world to escape him and now she had to go back.

Four years had passed since she had last seen him, yet she found it hard to think of four minutes that had gone by were something hadn’t reminded her of him — a movie, a meal, a phrase or just the date.

His birthday, Sirus’, Remus’ even Peter’s brought back memories. Memories and pain. The worst day was any of ‘their’ days — the 13th February, the 2nd June, the 22nd November and worst, the 9th July.

The 9th July, would she ever forget that day? The day he had inexplicably, unexplainable, unforgivable broken up with her. There had been no one else, no huge fight, nothing, just a “Goodbye”�.

She had given him her heart and not only had he smashed it but he had stolen it. And what little he had left behind had his fingerprints all over it.

No one had been able to remove his etchings from her heart. Not Felix, not Jacob, not even her live-in boyfriend Marcus could even come close to him, not that she really let them. 

Her heart would never be given again, she couldn’t, wouldn’t ever do that to herself again. She had barely survived the first time, there was no way she could survive again.

And yet now she had to return. Had to leave the safety of her repetitive boring existence on a small island in the Indian Ocean that was the home of Auror Training Group 9 for which she was the overall head.

If she was honest with herself though, not only had he stolen her heart, he had stolen her life. She had had to leave London: her friends, her family, her flat, her dream job. They all lay half a world away seemingly a utopia, except for him.

He was there.  
She could no longer hide from him.  
Two oceans and several continents were not enough.  
Nor was the one thousand, four hundred and sixty days that had passed.

Nothing she was certain now could ever remove him from her thoughts, her heart or apparently her life. 

Goodbye Group 9.   
Goodbye boring monotonous existence.   
Goodbye Marcus.

Hello Auror Special Branch Headquarters.   
Hello excitement and change.   
Hello………  
James Potter.


	2. Nearly there

CHAPTER 2

“Good morning madam, how may I help you?” the smiling witch behind the desk said.

Lily leaned forward slightly, “hi I was wondering if you could direct me to where the grass is no longer green and purple is the new black?”

She sighed inwardly, she had always thought that the Special Branch used peculiar codes but this latest one was a complete joke. Luckily this was the first and last time she would have to use it – from now on she would be able to apparate directly into the Headquarters, that was once she had been made a secret-keeper.

The witch led her along a maze of passageways and into a small room. “Someone will arrive to collect you shortly Miss Evans” she said as she left.

Lily sat waiting for a little over two minutes before there was a slight pop and a tall thin man stepped out of the shadows, “Lily, I am sorry for the delay, we are having a few security issues at the moment with the new Training Group – their level 8 is totally impregnable but the 7 keeps failing on us in testing.”

Lily nodded slightly, “I found that the best way to avoid the compromising of the 7 was to back it up with the old 11 and the new 4” she said automatically.

Charles Everwood broke into a broad grin, “I still don’t know why we have wasted you on Group 9 for so many years Lily, your place is definitely here, this is what you were born to do, not train some young upstarts in the middle of nowhere.”

Although what he said was the truth, he was only really voicing half his thoughts, he had been in the same year as both Lily and Potter at Hogwarts and had joined as an Auror alongside them too, he had also been a witness to that day, a day that no one, even now, could comprehend. Lily and Potter had given everyone faith in _happily ever after_ and love conquering all, and then he had gone and broken up with her the day they had graduated training.

He was, it had to be said, slightly surprised that she had returned. He knew that everyone in the office was on tenterhooks waiting for him to return with her; what could Potter possiblysay to her after all these years?


	3. The meeting

CHAPTER 3

Lily and Everwood arrived a little after eight fifteen, he told her that the briefing was at eight thirty and had shown her to her new office.

She sat down on the small sofa in the corner immediately. It was overwhelming being back after so many years. She wondered what everyone else in the office knew of her self-imposed exile, wondered what they thought and how they would react.

Unfortunately it was hard to wonder and assess when she herself did not have all the answers – sure the exile was because of Him, the return was in spite of Him, but could she really work in the same department as Him?

The group was tiny – there were just eight members, and they were the only secret-keepers, not even the Minister for Magic nor the Chief Auror knew the location of Special Branch. Lily knew most of the members from her own training days – there was Everwood, Potter, Mary-Jane Cliff, a fellow peer of theirs at Hogwarts, Jacob Windom, her much older ex-boyfriend who had joined Special Branch following their break-up, Lucy Minton – James’ younger current girlfriend, and the infamous Mitchell twins – Sonny and Steven.

As she thought her way through their select group, she stared unseeing at the clock until finally it reached 8:30.

Heaving herself off the sofa Lily walked down the corridor to the meeting room. She took a deep breath before pushing open the door and entering the room.

The rest of the team was already seated when she joined them. Everwood sat at the head of the table, and stood up as she entered, “as I’m sure many of you are aware this is the famous Lily Evans who has spent the last four years wasting her considerable talents training Group 9,” he paused slightly and turned to Lily, “Lily, this is Mary-Jane, Jacob, Sonny, Steven, Lucy,” he indicate as he went round the table, “and well, this is Potter.”

Lily steeled herself before looking down to meet his eyes. For the first time in four years, those perfect brown orbs hidden under messy hair and thick glasses, met hers. She drew a short breathe, “how could I forget?” she muttered.

The meeting passed largely without incident, it had been held primarily for Lily’s arrival but everyone was more preoccupied with her and James.

She didn’t like it, that thought – her and James – it made her feel ill, out of control and worst of all vulnerable.

Lucy, in particular, was watching them like a hawk, although she would never admit it, the thought of Lily Evans returning to London had made her feel ill too. Lily was the one thing that stood between her and eternal happiness with James, even thousands of miles away her presence was still there. People still spoke of Lily and James, regardless of who James was dating at the time. Lucy had heard the rumours – the break-up had nearly killed Lily; Lily had request Group 9 to escape from him; neither of them had ever gotten over the other; James still wore the ring she had given him around his neck.

Lucy had, naturally, seen the ring around him neck, but she had never questioned its origin although Mary-Jane’s idle comment was now pounding round her head. No one could deny that the news of Lily’s return had thrown James, he had been acting strangely ever since the announcement had been made that the prodigal Lily Evans was finally returning to ascend to her rightful place as deputy to Everwood, James’ equal and Lucy’s superior, but more importantly, that she was returning to work daily alongside James. At The Academy, they held every record – no one worked faster or more effectively together than they did, and this sickened Lucy. Holding onto James had always been a struggle but with the return of Lily, Lucy knew she had little chance, the question was: could she be bothered to fight a fruitless war for him? She had never owned his heart, why should she defend it? 

But she knew she was lying to herself – while he might never truly have been hers, she was most definitely his. It had taken months of hard work to persuade James into a proper relationship, and now she had done so she fully intended to fight for it – every step of the way. Lily Evans or no Lily Evans.


	4. James' POV

**A/N: hope this is better...**

CHAPTER 4

I swear I have sweated out about four litres of water this morning – waiting to see Lily again has caused me more stress and worry than Voldermort and his entire army of nut jobs ever could.

I have known for about six weeks now that she was coming back. To London. To Special Branch. To Me? I tried not to think about it, I mean I wouldn’t give me a second chance, not after what I did to her……

_ “I’m sorry James,” the tears were rolling down her cheeks as she spoke, “I’m so sorry, I couldn’t stop myself – it would have been today…….” She trailed off, her sobs drowning out her words. _

_ I looked round the kitchen, everything was smashed and broken, the crockery, cutlery, utensils, the chairs, table and cabinets, the cooker was on fire and the windows were shattered. _

_ “Lils, you can’t do this, keep doing it, you can’t use That as an excuse anymore…..” _

_ Suddenly she was furious, although the tears still streamed down her face, “James, today should have been the best day of our lives, and it would have been if not for that stupid trip three months ago…”  _

_ “you fell off a cliff Lils…” _

_ “I shouldn’t have even had to be on that cliff James, if YOU had trained them properly I wouldn’t have had to be there, I wouldn’t had had to fall, and then today I could have…..” she trailed off again sobbing madly, “it’s your fault James. ALL. YOUR. FAULT.” _

_ “I’ve told you I’m sorry a million times Lily, I can’t change the past, and I can’t live like this much longer…….” _

_ “GO then, go get pissed with Sirus and Remus or whatever you want, I don’t care anymore…it’s your fault I don’t get to be a mother” _

_ “Lily please don’t say that, it’s not what you really want…” I was begging her now, _

_ “How the fuck do you know what I want Potter” she spat the last word, “you… you care more about drinking and the bloody Marauders than me, otherwise, you wouldn’t have let it happen to me... I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. SEE. YOU” she added, forcing the words out. _

_ “You don’t mean that Lily…… it’s just a bad time what with what today could have been” that seem to have done it, she broke down on the floor and it broke my heart, I went to put an arm around her, to draw her close, but she shrugged me off. _

_ I tried again, a little more forcefully, but still the shrug, “please James just leave me alone” she begged. _

_ One more try, and I gave in, walking out of the kitchen I turned back for half a second “Goodbye Lily” and I walked out. _

_ I never walked back. _

_ _

Even now, after four years of reflection, I don’t know why I didn’t fight harder. She was perfection itself – apart from the mood swings and that horrible accident that robbed her of her spirit.

I was a coward that’s why. Why I didn’t turn back. Coward. 

Meeting her eyes after so long practically killed me – her hurt was still clear, everyone could see – she had not forgiven nor forgotten. 

Lucy has been even worse than me though. I mean she has gotten stressed over everything and nothing. And then suddenly last night she finally got round to her interrogation that I knew she had been mulling over since the news arrived……

_ “ok James I’m not guna beat about the bush with this, I need to know about you and Lily – all the details, nothing left out.” _

_ “What do you want to know?” _

_ “Everything.”  
“Ask me and I will answer – I don’t know where to begin though.” _

_ “Did you love her?” _

_ “Yes. Very much – she was the love of my life” _

_ “As well as me?” _

_ “Um…..yeah” _

_ “Ok how long were you together?”  
“Three years, five months, three weeks and I would say a couple of days” _

_ “First kiss?” _

_ “22nd of November. It was raining, after a Quidditch match by the lake, she was going out with Alan French at the time but it was to make me jealous, we were fighting before hand and then it just happened…” _

_ “Ok, first date?” _

_ “13th February” _

_ “Not Valentine’s Day?” _

_ “No because that would be predictable, we had cake and trifle in the Shrieking Shack” _

_ “Um…….right then……… first time?” _

_ “2nd of June” _

_ “Good?”  
“Fucking mind blowing to be honest with you” _

_ “your first?” _

_ “God know, that was Mary Childs in fourth year” _

_ “Her’s?” _

_ “No her first was Toby someone – he was a Muggle” _

_ “The ring?”  
“It was part of a pair – she wore the other half – third anniversary present” _

_ “You wear it now?” _

_ “Habit, a reminder, I dunno” _

_ “How serious was it?” _

_ “I was going to ask her to marry me” _

_ “WHAT!?!? Are you having a fucking laugh? I have been with you nearly two years, we were friends for months before that and you neglected in all that time to mention this?! Did she take your brain with her to the Indian Ocean?” _

_ “no, only my heart……” _

_ It had been at this point that she had stormed out. They hadn’t spoken since. _

_ _

** A/N: I’m sorry if this seems a bit disjointed but I thought some back story was necessary, but I have found this easier said than done. As this is my first fic I would love some advice / criticism so please R&R. **

** Also, will try and extent chapter length in future **

 


	5. memories

** A/N: to be totally honest with you – I thought it was a bit of a rubbish reason as well but inspiration totally deserted me, however I have changed chapter 4 now so I hope that it is better (and longer!)… **

** **

As soon as the meeting finished Lily could not get out of the room fast enough, she practically threw herself through the door of her office and down into her chair. She had been under no illusions that seeing him again would be bad, but she had no idea that it would be this bad.

She searched in vain for something to do, anything that would distract her, when there was a knock at the door. Leaning against the frame with his arms lazily folded across his chest, was James.

“How can I help you Ja- I mean Potter?” she asked, struggling to sound professional, and deciding a second too late that Potter was possibly more appropriate than James given circumstances.

“I was just wondering if I could please have the Malfoy file – it needs updating and this office has been sealed until you arrived, and rather unfortunately for me the folder was sealed in with it.” Noticing her hesitation, he added, “top draw of the larger filing cabinet.”

Lily rummaged through the filing cabinet, noting as she went that she had just discovered her first day’s work, until she found the massive purple folder with “MALFOY” crudely written across it. “Here you go Ja- Potter, anything else?” she forced the corners of her mouth upwards slightly, “no Lil- Evans, but thanks for the folder.”

He turned and walked out the room, “actually Evans, the boys were wondering if you wanted to go drinking tonight, as its been, well, years since they found a girl to keep up with them,” he added after a moment’s thought, “actually you were the only one that could” he laughed slightly but his face quickly turned pensive.

“Of course, I would love to see them – I see you about six then?” she said, before adding, rather hurriedly, “I have a meeting in lunch.” He nodded and headed out of the door wondering if he looked as stressed and embarrassed as he felt.

****

Lily spent the rest of the morning reordering the filing cabinet. She was intrigued to find, in amongst the mounds of useless parchment, the transcript of the meeting that had been held to vote her into this job…

_ EVERWOOD: ok team, thus far the most favoured candidate is Jack Masters. We are now onto the finally candidate, one that I’m sure is well known to all of us – Lily Evans. At present, she is working with Training Group 9 alongside Marcus Jones, however, as I'm sure you are all aware, she is good, very good in fact and I think that… _

_ _

_ MINTON: if she was so bloody fabulous Everwood then why did she leave? I mean everybody seems to worship the ground she walked on – how did she end up with Group 9? _

_ _

_ MITCHELL (Sonny): I think maybe this is a conversation that you and Potter should have, or alternatively I can save him the trouble and tell you now…? _

_ _

_ POTTER: no thank you Sonny, I think… _

_ _

_ MITCHELL (Steven): basically, my dear Lucy, your beloved Potter, broke the heart of Evans so badly and brutally that she had to go several time-zones away to get over him, and from what I hear that didn’t really help. I mean if you asked Windom here I'm sure he can enlighten you further on dating post-Potter Evans _

_ _

_ MINTON: James, I can’t fucking believe you – you told me that this wasn’t your Lily Evans, you said that… _

_ _

_ EVERWOOD: ENOUGH! Can I please have the votes against Lily?... Lucy, I would like to think that this wasn’t personal…… those for?....... ok that settles it – as only Lucy voted against, and considering her position as the most junior member of the team, Lily Evans will be the new member of Special Branch. _

_ _

The transcript stopped there – there was no reaction from Lucy, though somehow Lily sensed that it wasn’t really necessary to read it – she could guess how angry, stressed and jealous Lucy must have felt, hell, must still be feeling. With this weighing heavily on her mind, she headed off for her meeting.

The meeting was merely administrative, and on her way back she bumped into Steven Mitchell. “Settling in alright then Evans?” he asked

“Yeah not bad thanks but whoever had my office before me can’t file for shit, I have had to spend the whole morning redoing it!”

“That does kinda sound like Jo” he laughed good-naturedly, “by the way, Evans, I must say, Congrats on how you handled this morning – everyone would think you saw ex-boyfriends everyday!”

“I wish! I have never been more terrified in my life, no Death Eaters could top that, I swear I nearly fainted, and pretending that I didn’t know him either, when he knew me better than anyone else alive…” she faded off slightly lost in her own thoughts, “I still don’t know why he did it though; I mean he just left.” She stopped at the sight of Lucy bearing down on them, “Steven, a word please” her tone was clipped and the strain was obvious – she hated Lily.

****

“You can come if you really want to Lucy”

“I don’t want to seem like a spoil sport though James, I mean, who takes their girlfriend drinking with them? Kinda kills the pulling power surely?”

“Well, actually Lucy, Evans is coming too…….”

“She is WHAT?! So exes are fine, but actual girlfriends are out of the question”

“FINE, come if it’s what you bloody want!”

Lily waited round the corner, she did not think her entrance on this exchange would be welcomed, however, glancing down at her watch, she realised they were already late. Taking a deep breath she stepped round the corner, “hey guys, sorry I'm late, shall we get going?”

****

They arrived a few minutes late at The Leaky Cauldron due to the security on the Special Branch Headquarters, James and Lucy went to the bar to order drinks while Lily headed for the table in the corner where she knew the Marauders would be.

“…. And basically I told her that there was no way we could have a proper relationship – all I want and need is sex.” She laughed aloud at Sirus’ tale as she turned the corner, “LILYKINS!!”Sirus yelled as he engulfed her in a bear hug “God it has been a long time!” after nearly squeezing the life out of her, he let her go, only for Remus to wrap his arms around her, “Crikey Lils, do they not feed you at Group 9?!”, after receiving a similar greeting from Peter, Lily sat down and knocked back the firewhisky that Sirus had poured for her, “at least you haven’t turned tee-total on us Lilykins” he said

“I would never do such a thing to you, Sirus darling, I mean what would my purpose be to you then?!”

Within a few minutes, they had caught up on the outline of Lily’s life since they had last seen her – occasional letters were not enough for any of them, and she had sorely missed them from her life, but she knew that at the time asking them to choose was out of the question, so they had had to drifted into the category of ‘occasional acquaintances’.

When James and Lucy finally joined them, Lily was already on level drinking terms with the boys, and her slightly confused look did not appear to endear her to Lucy, who merely sniffed and sat down next to James sipping on her Coke.

“I still cannot believe that that is the strongest stuff you drink,” said Sirus, perhaps louder than was necessary. Lucy did not say anything but glared at Sirus and then looked expectantly at James, who suddenly became very interested in the stain on the table.

****

Several hours and many bottles of Firewhisky later, the Marauders and Lily were a long way gone and had discussed in great detail Lily’s life with Group 9, up to and including everyone she had shagged out there. Lucy meanwhile, sat stone cold sober and furious next to James, who was finding all her comments in his ear rather irritating, particularly when she went, “I don’t really understand Jamesy, why on earth you think that drinking is an attractive quality in a woman…”

“For fuck sake Lucy, shut up for five minutes, there is nothing wrong with alcohol, stop acting as though we are all going to hell for drinking every now and again…”

“Jamesy I just meant that if you are both inebriated, who undresses you when you get home and makes sure you throw up in the toilet at night?” she stroked his hair, in a motherly fashion as she spoke. 

On the other side of the table Lily snorted loudly, “seriously Lucy you are mental, fucking mental, Potter is the best drunken fuck ever, we used to screw through the night and drink galleons of hangover potion in the morning, and I personally find buttons rather meaningless when slightly pissed,” she grinned and nodded to James’ shirt, on which every button had been sown back onto - “I believe that you were wearing that shirt the day of the Quidditch Cup final Potter” she said.

Sirus and Remus both chuckled quietly, they knew what was about to happen, and not only had they been anticipating it all evening, but they knew that Lily could take down Lucy any day, drunk or not.

As if sensing this as well, James leaned across a seething Lucy and spoke to Lily, “Evans if you don’t shut your trap right now, I’ll come over there and shut it for you” he hissed loudly, “Potter, believe me, I have left my kinky side behind me – being gagged and bound no longer has the same appeal as it once did!”

“Well,” he drunkenly slurred, “I’m glad to know no one else had to endure that – it was fucked up Evans.” She leaned suggestively across the table towards him, and said,

“Seriously Potter, tell me you never think about it – I bet little miss prim and proper doesn’t like any of that kind of behaviour, actually do you guys ever fuck at all? Anywhere other than a bed I mean?”

Lucy glared at Lily, and opened her mouth to say something; however, Sirus leaned across the table and even in his inebriated state managed to silence her, he wouldn’t let her ruin this.

“Evans, my dear, just because no one has actually made you climax in four fucking years isn’t my fault…….”

“I think you will find it is” Lily was suddenly very quiet and very sober.

James leaned back unsteadily, and then immediately tried to stand up. Eventually he manoeuvered himself into a semi-standing state, snapping at Lucy that they were leaving and offering the Marauders a terse “Goodnight” as he weaved off towards the door. Lucy scuttled after him muttering about why anyone would want to make love anywhere other than a bed.

Sirus watched them go, before letting out a long low whistle, “way to kill a mood Lilykins, I'm guessing four years hasn’t really helped”

She laughed harshly, “No not really Sirus, I mean he just left that one night and never came back – I waited a week for him before I asked for a transfer, a whole fucking week, and all I could do was cry and scream and wonder where he was. Do you know I even tried to convince myself he had died, anything so that I didn’t have to face up to the fact that he had left me, anything…”

“Lilykins, I'm so sorry, truly truly sorry, we had no idea – he always told us it was a mutual thing, that you hated him for you losing the baby. If we had known…..”

“If we had known Lils, we would never have let it happen” Remus cut in and solemnly added.


	6. Lily's story

CHAPTER 6

Shortly after Lily left, Peter followed suit muttering about work the next day and angry bosses, leaving Remus and Sirus nursing their drinks, feeling surprisingly sober. They sat in a content silence for a few minutes until Sirus burst out, “you know Moony, of all of us, he had the best chance with the best girl and he had to go and fucking blow it didn’t he? I mean seriously what the fuck? Who just walks out on Lily Evans and then four years later is shacked up with some tee-total bitch?”

“I honest to God don’t know Padfoot, I have thought about it quite a lot and I don’t know and what’s worse is I don’t know how, or why, we let him, do you?”

“No, I have no idea why I let him walk out of her life like that and so fucking soon after that accident…….”

“It was because we felt guilty; do you not remember who was supposed to be helping Prongs?”

Sirus nodded grimly.

****

Lily arrived at work the following day, feeling pensive – she had no idea how James or Lucy, for that matter, would behave towards her. Luckily she did not find out as James was out surveying and Lucy was having an interview to be transferred to one of the Training Groups as she could no longer advance here without having done some time in a Training Group. This was not strictly true but Charles claimed the rules had changed as he did not really consider Lucy good enough for long term HQ work, however, she was causing quite a fuss as she had no wish to move abroad – she was well aware that James would never wait for her and despite herself she did care for him very deeply.

Lily had been working for a few minutes, having recovered quite quickly due to the non-existence of both of them for the time being, when Sonny put his head around the door, “hey Evans, I was just wondering if you could pop out and collect something – I'm awfully busy and well there is no one else around, besides, you will like who it is!” Lily nodded quickly – she didn’t have much to do and getting out might help get James out of her head.

She hurried headed out of the building, wrapping her muggle coat tightly around her to try and keep out the whistling wind, she headed to the meet spot – a small café on the edge of a square – easy to approach and leave by slipping into the crowds of tourists. She headed for the designated table when she saw who was already sitting there, drinking her coffee – Louise Breckham, a fellow Group 9 instructor.

“LOUISE!” Lily let out a happy squeal of delight and dashed over to hug her friend, “how are you? What are you doing here?”

“Well Lils, you need to collect this data from me and well it was either me or Marcus and I dueled him for it and won – we were both dying to see you of course, all he has done is mope since you left, I don’t think he quite understands that you will never come back…..” 

She trailed off and Lily felt a pang of guilt about Marcus – he adored her, while he had never been more than a time filler for her.

“Never say never Lou……..”

“Bollucks Lils, everyone knows you left us for good, and everyone knows what you came back for, or should I say who?”

“Very funny Lou, you don’t understand, it’s so complicated…..”

“Tell me then Lils, we have time and besides I am dying to know and I have never heard the story before but now I need to know because it is all anyone can talk about and I need to know which bits are true”

Lily took a deep breath, could she do this? Finally open up about the whole thing, “ok I will tell you Lou but you cannot speak until I am done! Deal?”

“Of course you have a deal!”

Lily briefly raised her eyes to the heavens, making a silent plea to God that she could make it through this dry eyed and without feeling totally hollow and empty, before she began; 

“It all started our final year at Hogwarts, we were Heads together and this meant spending a lot more time together than we ever had done before, when our only interactions had been him asking me out on a weekly basis, and also we had shared accommodation. I thought at first he was just guna fuck it up like he did everything else, until I realised that his attitude was just for show and that he was in fact hard-working, decent and honest, not to mention mind-blowingly gorgeous and house Quidditch captain. 

We eventually became friends, well actually, no, we never were friends, we had too much tension to ever be friends, I would say within eight weeks I was head over heels but I didn’t think that he could actually maintain a relationship and I convinced myself that the thrill was only in the chase for him. 

Then one day in early November, he and I were having a bit of a fight about him treating some girl like shit and he told me I wouldn’t know until I had tried for myself, and it went weirdly quiet and we were, like, a centimeter apart, and then Alan French came round the corner and asked me to Hogsmede that weekend and to spite James I said yes. Anyway, so I went to Hogsmede with Alan and he was boring but nice, but I wouldn’t have done anything except I saw James and co watching us so I snogged him – Alan I mean, and he decided that this was me asking him out. 

James was furious, didn’t speak to me for about a week and then it was a Quidditch match – Gryffindor v Ravenclaw, James won the match when he caught the snitch, anyway after the match there was a party in the common room and he was flirting with some slutty blonde and I couldn’t take it and just left, and I went all the way to the lake because I didn’t want anyone to find me. Well, he followed me out there, despite the rain and everything and well, we had a fight – I was yelling at him about the blonde and he was yelling at me about Alan, and then he went really quiet and just asked me ‘what do you want Lily?’ and when his eyes meet mine, I couldn’t stop myself, I just grabbed his cheeks and kissed him, and I have NEVER had a first kiss like it, it was amazing and we just couldn’t stop, and then Remus came outside, and although he didn’t say anything, we all knew that he had seen…..

And well the tension didn’t go away even though I stayed with Alan, had sex with him a few times even, just to try and kid myself, but nobody believed me not even Alan and he broke up with me before Christmas Break. I stayed in school for Christmas, but James went home, but we wrote to each other literally every day, and then when we got back there were all these rumours about him and some 5th year, and all kinds of stuff that they had been doing in the holidays, and I was furious, especially when it turned out to be true. 

So we didn’t speak for a couple of weeks except snappy conversations about stupid shit like rotas, and then one night, February the 13th to be precise, I went to my room to find all my books were missing and a note from Sirus that they were in the Shrieking Shack so I went all the way there, even though that place creeps me out majorly, and well, along with my books was James and loads of cake and trifle and well, it was our first date and the most romantic moment of my life up until then, and it was so different and because it wasn’t Valentine’s Day it didn’t feel cheesy…. 

Anyways, that was the beginning of ‘us’, and it was amazing, I mean we still had fights and stuff and argued in class but then at night we would curl up in front of the fire in our shared common room area. To be quite honest with you, no one say it coming, we were the talk of the school which made it tough at first – getting evils just because James Potter kissed you at breakfast, but still it was amazing…. I think the best bit was because he didn’t push for anything, and although neither of us were close to virgins it took us until the 2nd of June to finally have sex, it was right after he told me he loved me for the first time – I mean properly said it, he had said it before but always as a joke, and well…yeah it was fantastic, and after that we had a lot of sex – like we were making up for lost time or something, our specialty was always make-up sex, ’cause we still had a LOT of fights.

And when Hogwarts ended, we move to London together, to the same flat he lives in now, and although it was strange at first we got used to each other’s habits pretty quick, and soon we were living like an ‘old married couple’ according to Sirus, but we still went out loads – I'm the only girl ever to keep up with the Marauders and Firewhisky – and it was….

And at the Academy too, we were the best, unbeatable in our two year time there, it was just incredible, best time of my life, and then we moved on to other jobs, but still made sure we had one day a week just the two of us and one night a week for the Marauders. ‘Work hard, play hard’, we really did live like this, I don’t know how I kept going but it was perfect…screw the war, death eaters, and all that shit, I was…...

For our third anniversary, Sirus threw us a massive surprise party, and he gave us rings engraved with ‘old married couple’ as a joke and I wore mine on the ring finger of my right hand, and James wore his round his neck, like I do now….

Well a few weeks later I found out I was two months pregnant; it was unplanned but definitely not unwanted. James jokingly asked me to marry him, but I told him that we didn’t need to do everything at once so he put the ring away and said that once our baby was born he was getting it on my finger once and for all!

The pregnancy went pretty well actually, and then when I was about six months gone, there was an incident at the Brunning Manor, out on the cliffs, and well they took the trainees but James, Sirus and Remus had been drinking the night before and in trying to find enough hangover potion, they forgot to remind the trainees to bind themselves to their partners…

and well it was chaos, they were getting slaughtered, so I came out of hiding and stepped in…. and it was nearly sorted when one of them took a cheap shot at me from behind a tree and knocked me off my feet, and about twenty metres back…. I fell off the cliff….it was about eighty metres down…the healers tried but they couldn’t save the baby....

I blamed James and it tore us apart slowly…. and then on the day I should have given birth I went a bit crazy and smashed up the kitchen and told him it was his fault…..and……….and then that I didn’t want to see him…and then I asked him to leave me alone…and the he said ‘goodbye Lily’ …...and walked out and….. he never came back and I waited for a week, trying to convince myself he was dead…..just so I didn’t have to face the truth and then I got transferred to Group 9 and that was four years ago and when you first met me.”

Lily had not managed it, tears were streaming down her face and she felt worse than she had done in a long time, it had all come flooding back – not only the pain but the sheer perfection of their partnership.

“Shit Lily”.

** A/N: I guess some people will not like this chapter very much but I think it is important to cover the past events to understand how Lily is feeling, also the beginning bit probably should have gone at the end of the last chapter, and the …. In her speech are suppose to be all symbolic and stuff, anyways please R&R **


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